Chapter 2: Fear

Imagine for a moment, you have a candle burning in front of you. Its flame dances rather gently, swaying left, then right, as it flickers light around the room. There’s a wisp of smoke as it flares up, and settles again. Yellows and oranges fill your eyes, with just the slightest hint of blue wrapping around the wick. It’s beauty, in that moment, both powerful and unmatched.

The flame is hot. This is a fact. You know that if you touch it, it will certainly cause a moment of pain. Perhaps not a burn, not a scar, but a neural signal to your pleasure centre that can only be described as pain.

When you were young, surely an adult told you, or a textbook told you, not to touch the flame. Your skin is too delicate for the heat of the flame.

So you fear it.

And many of us will live in perpetual fear of the flame, and perhaps never touch it again.

But some, discover, that while we can’t control the flame and its heat, we can control our own internal discourse about it. Instead of fearing its heat, we can cycle back to the opening scene of beauty, power, and light.

Can love and fear co-exist?

Can you love the candle, and all its beauty, yet still revere its power and heat?

Recently, as I sat chatting with a friend, we discussed my control tendencies. Significant changes to my life’s journey are on the horizon, and I feel absolutely inadequate. Out of control. So, while we unpacked a particularly difficult situation where I steeled myself and attempted to turnover whatever control I did to someone who needed it far more than I, she noted I was living in a place of fear. That while these transitions are coming, fear was ruling my decisions and emotion. And then she rather coolly told me to figure my shit out. I’m paraphrasing, but something to the effect of, “the person I know would get curious and face these challenges with kindness and love.” That the value I’ve brought has been curiosity, wonder, kindness, and a persistent musing with beauty and love.

I won’t lie. I was absolutely furious that she could see the big picture, while I muddled about in deprecation, loathing, and fear. That, and while I internally admit it, I seldom thank and appreciate the people in my life who truly know me. So let this be an immortal thank you. And affirmation that calling me on my bullshit is indeed a good thing.

Call Me By My Name was playing this past weekend. I’d recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the power of choosing love over fear, and how incredibly painful that choice can be. More, queer films are neat, and everyone should watch them.

Anyways. As I sat in a theatre full of who’s who and so-and-so’s, lazily tracing the knuckles of my date’s hand, I found myself captured by the raw beauty of Elio’s choice of love. I won’t spoil it for you, but if you can think of a time where you mentally tormented yourself because you weren’t sure your love was reciprocal – well, you’re on the right vein of fear. The movie results in tragedy, in that it doesn’t resolve in a way that is positive, fulfilling or kind. And as the lights came up, and the credits finished rolling, there was an odd hush over the who’s who and the so-and-so’s. And I loved it.

The room was so full of painful discourse. Heartbreak. Confusion. Concern. And as I sat with my date, who remarked nearly immediately how heartbreaking the end was, I felt completely differently.

That tragedy was so real. It was something the queer community experiences on a regular basis. And while I could sit in sadness of missed connections, loves lost, or the one-that-got-away, I would be lying. Those three things, which cause so many ifs and a world of pain for others, fuel me. They excite me. I have absolutely had loves in my life that got away. Why? Because they were meant for a moment, and not for a life time. And they were beautiful, kind, and incredible. So I look back fondly, even if I miss them terribly. They were for a moment, for a short while and I am and will continue to give thanks for those moments.

They shaped my urge to choose love over fear. They were flames. And I touched them. And when I look back on them, they hurt like hell. And yet, I will touch the flame again. Because touching the flame, regardless of its heat, is far better than fear.

So to that friend, in that moment, who called me out for living in fear – you were so fucking right. And I was mad. And I’m sorry. Yet, thank you for pointing me on my journey.

Today, I will touch the flame.

Report- Forbes: 6 Powerful Traits of People Who Inspire Others to Become Their Best

From Women @ Forbes – Posted on July 24, 2016 by Kathy Caprino 

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In my role as a professional writer, I hear from over 400 PR firms, celebrities, thought leaders, creatives, entrepreneurs and other impacters every month. They all hope to be featured and highlighted, to help their own endeavors and to share their messages.

Some have made a large positive impact, some have taken only several steps along that path, and others haven’t yet “made it” but believe in their heart they have a story or something to offer that will make a difference and inspire others. And others just want their moment in the limelight – it’s all about them.

As a researcher and storyteller about people who make a large positive impact in the world and what they do differently, I’ve seen that individuals who have the real “goods” to inspire others have something that other folks don’t. In fact, they demonstrate six critical traits and behaviors that enliven us, light a spark inside of us, and make us want to be better, stronger, bigger, and more of who we are.

Those six traits are:

They Have Immense Courage

People who inspire us to be better are not weak, scared or stuck.  They’re bold and have the fortitude and courage to push through their fears, and take a stand on what they believe. They’ve done what I call “brave up” – honing the 10 ways to develop the bravery required to become positive, strong, and influential in the world today. These inspirers have faced great odds and challenges, and they’ve turned “their mess into a message” to help others overcome their challenges too. They’re warriors, and courageous fighters for what they believe in and how they see themselves and the world. They’ve figured out that if you want to make a difference in the world, you have to address your own demons first.

They Have Deep Empathy For Others

In my former work as a therapist and now as a coach, I’ve seen that millions of people around the globe have suffered at the hands of narcissists, or from mentally disordered or morally-corrupt individuals — either in their families, upbringing, or in their professional lives. In my view, the most crushing aspect of narcissistic behavior is the total lack of empathy. It’s very scary (and damaging) to be in relationship with someone who is totally incapable of empathy, because they’ll do anything to you and against you without remorse. They simply cannot put themselves in your shoes or understand or accept what you feel.

On the flip side, those who inspire us to be better are fully capable of experiencing empathy, and they openly express their ability to understand our personal “stories” and who we really are and what we feel, deep down.  They don’t coddle or overprotect us, but they validate and appreciate who we are inside, which makes us feel safe to be more authentic, and expand on our own identity even more fully, without worrying that we’ll be crushed or humiliated in the process.

They Express Love And Appreciation Openly, And Foster Equality

The people who inspire us the most are not full of hate, bigotry, or racism and they don’t harbor or encourage thoughts of who is “better” than someone else, or who deserves more.  They model equality. They are full of love and appreciation, and aren’t afraid to share it openly at work, at home and in their communities.  They use loving, accepting language, and are inclusive not divisive, and share their thoughts and beliefs around love, acceptance and equality in their narratives. Love and acceptance is at the basis of what they do. Look at those who’ve made the biggest positive difference throughout history. Invariably, there is love, understanding, compassion, and appreciation at that heart of who they are and what they stand for.

Many who have made a real positive difference have been compelled to fight hard for radical change and for a cause bigger than themselves. But even in their fighting, they never stop openly sharing love, compassion, and care for humanity.

They Are Emotionally Healthy And Healed

There’s a powerful expression, “Hurt people hurt people.” Truer words have never been spoken. If you’re hurt, wounded, distraught, overly-reactive, or emotionally dysfunctional in any way, you’re just not in a position to make the positive impact you long to, or to inspire people at the highest level. Why? Because your open wounds get in the way — of how you see yourself and others, and how you relate, experience and interact with the world. The wounds you experience color everything.

People who inspire and uplift others have done the work to heal their wounds. They’re not necessarily pain-free (life regularly doles out painful experiences), but they’re not inflicting or projecting their pain onto others. Every human on this planet has experienced deep trauma and pain at some point in their lives. But those who inspire and positively influence have done the work to clean up their wounds , recover, heal, move forward in healthier ways, and stop hurting others with their own hurt.

They Believe In Collective Power

Those who inspire others believe in collective power – in uplifting others (and not just a select few) so that positive change can happen more quickly. They’re not focused intensively and solely on amassing their own wealth, power and influence. They want to see others rise, grow, and expand. That’s what fuels them and motivates their actions, and their business and growth strategies. In doing so, they can become very wealthy, powerful and influential, but that’s only a by-product of their focusing on expanding collective strength, power and positive impact.

They’ve Used All Of Themselves To Make A Difference

When I look at those folks I personally have a “biz crush” on – people I would like to emulate because they’ve changed the world with their positive messages — I see one consistent theme: these individuals have used all of themselves (their past pain, their “quirks” and idiosyncracies, their raw experiences, their unique voices, their isolation and shame, and their past and current struggles) to uplift the world.

Look at the most popular TED talks that have gone viral and touched millions of people (including those of Amy Cuddy, Brené Brown, Tony Robbins, Shawn Achor, Elizabeth Gilbert, Susan Cain, etc.) and you’ll see people who struggled in their past, but decided to use what they personally experienced to learn more, dig deeper, and finally, to help facilitate positive change for others.

These inspirers have grown comfortable being totally authentic and open about who they really are deep down (warts and all). They no longer worry that they’ll be rejected, scorned and put down. They’ve grown beyond feeling they have to hide or suppress parts of themselves to be accepted.They realize that it’s the universal plight to want to hide those parts of us that make us feel ashamed and vulnerable. And it’s that very readiness to use all of themselves – openly and courageously – that inspires and encourages us to do the same.

Which of these six traits inspires you most to be more of yourself?

To become more of yourself and inspire the world, visit the Amazing Career Project.

To view the the original post, visit Forbes.